Letters I never sent IX

Ìwọ wà fún Ọlọ́run.

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I think all that has to do with love scares me. The moments you get so lost in that love that you no longer know how to put pieces of yourself together, or the moments you slowly start to find yourself all because they simply make it easy for you too. It scares me, the moments one is unguarded and they gush out raw confessions, like the night you said “I’m in love with you”. You said you’ve had it for a long time, and I wondered how by just talking to me, you did. And then I understood because I’ve loved someone that way too. In a way that leaves me restless, like it’s a lava too much to contain if it doesn’t erupt.

Sometimes you just make me wonder. Wonder what could possibly be if we ever get to meet, if we’d be as quiet as we can be sometimes. Enjoying the mystery of not knowing but wanting to ask what we could possibly be thinking or up to. If we’d talk the way we do now, if you’ll be the talkative and I’ll be the one with a weird laughter.

I wonder what your hands would feel like, if they’d send shivers down my spine when I hold them. If they’ll be warm, reassuring and soft. I wonder how hot your breath would be when I’m too close. I wonder what the air in the room would feel like, thick mixed with nervousness, fumbling with the helms of my dress or just chill with nothing or anything to worry about.

I’d like to tell you that I also feel relieved when we talk. It’s just a reminder that we are still both present in what’s existing between us. It calms whatever what if’s that cloud my mind, and I remind myself to just breathe and feel. You said I make your heart beat faster when you think of me. Well you make mine fall into my stomach, it’s like I’m not so sure I even know how to love rightly, because how can you be feeling so much and I’m still figuring out what my sweaty palms and red cheeked giggles mean.

I think friendship is like a surface step to a romantic relationship. It doesn’t always end there but we always don’t want it to end there when it’s more than just the warm hugs and yet I love the idea of being a friend to someone you love. It’s like aside romance, you just really there for me through thick and thin, I can trust you without needing your kisses for reassurance. That’s how I see it. Friendships are romantic relationships without the kisses and mushiness. So yes we are friends too.

And of course you can be my best friend and partner but we’d leave that for when we get there. That place still feels foggy and fuzzy in my mind.

I think there was a point I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue with our communication. I felt I needed clarity with myself that I knew exactly what I was doing. I was finding it hard to be decisive about my choices and I told you I was still finding it hard to let go of a love that never had a chance. I remember telling you, you were a headache I was enjoying, I don’t know what I meant but I think it was said from the madness of the heart. And you returning the energy said I was the pain you craved for. Poetic and very overwhelming.

It’s how considerate you are, sometimes I feel you avoid having certain conversations because you don’t want me feeling ambushed emotionally to the point of needing space. You’re soft even to the point of listening, you talk like you had to choose your words carefully before saying them. And somehow they always carried enough weight to make me amused.

And in the waiting, I’d want to miss you in the quiet and in the loud moments. I want to be impulsive enough to wire a text or write you a letter when you linger almost like forever in my mind. I want to feel as much as crying when it’s taking forever to see you even if it was just a day. I know! It’s my clingy self writing this now.

Hopefully we’d still keep tabs on nothing and everything. Hopefully you’d be awake living in answered prayers. I would either be a lawyer like I said I would, or a business owner. I say this because you might ask to meet and I’d like to meet you almost ready. Not completely refined but stable enough to figure somethings out. I don’t want to meet you only when I’m ready but also when I’m whole.

If I were allowed to sound a bit delusional, I think I’d want our eyes to meet from across a room, or on a plane heading to the same destination. I’d love to meet you because it was a divine conviction from God that it was time. That it was time to meet the one who belongs to him.

I’d want to our eyes to greet shyly, maybe waiting for the right moment or just being indecisive. And of course I’d smile inwardly and almost visibly trying to get a hold of my beating heart. Maybe because that would be our first time seeing each other in person and not across distance, or over the phone.

Maybe then you’d be the gentle one. The one who brings me peace. The one who is sure of me. The one who understands my silence. And I’ll be the one who lights up your world and make breathing much easier. Your peace like you said. A blessing even.

You’d be the one who prays for me moments I can’t pray for myself. The one that would be my breath of relief when awake by my side. The one that won’t shut the door at me, instead leaving the door open for the flaws, the misunderstood brewed coffees and uncomfortable silence. The one who leaves the door open to honesty, to rawness and weirdness.

The rainy days when the air will be filled with the scents of snacks, take outs, drinks that tastes like better days and our love will be like a dance where understanding grows except you’d be a bad dancer that keeps asking me for one.

We’ll plant seeds of love that will grow to mirror the love they felt at home. The love they felt when mum talked about dad like he was her safe heaven. The love where we help each other up, when we can’t pray anymore, when the weight of the unsaid things feels to heavy, when it’s not just about love anymore but happiness.

A love that thrives on whenever you need me, wherever you need me, I’ll be there for you and the moments we also can’t be.

Ìwọ ti Ọlọ́run ni”, which means “You belong to God”. Why God has to be in the center of it all. Ọkàn rẹ jẹ ti Ọlọrun your heart belongs to him. And I want to be one with the God in you. He’s the only one that’s going to make it a dream come true, so he has to be there in the moments we’ve got only ourselves, the moments we are learning and unlearning, the moments we don’t even know what we are doing, until we slowly walk into each other’s lives by his orchestration. God will be for us.

I only pray for a love story that brings glory to God.

Yours truly,

Muahhh💋

Effulgence means shining brightly with light, light that emits the gentle quiet inner radiance and the warmth they bring to others. That’s just the person you are.