Dear me,
Dear you!
I want to be specific but I’ve decided against it, just know I’m a lover of letters, and I’ve written letters in different time lines of my life to some important people, to all the boys I’ve loved or should I say “really really had feelings for”, to my dad, to my sister and my best friend. Honestly I’m thinking I should stop doing that.
Well to the boy I love, I only want to be written to this time, I’m getting tired of writing, but I’m never tired. To the person I pray would be my last, which isn’t how it’s turning out, instead feels quite distant and more further away. A lost dream. We haven’t met, but somehow our hearts connected or should I say mine got trapped in an endless pit of fantasies that could only come true if the spark was lit in his heart too.
My sister helped with some analogy that seemed to only worsen my fears, now somehow I feel my love for anyone is too insufferable, hence pushes them further away from me. I think sometimes my love questions, “is this what I really want?” It feels good but then it’s overwhelming, “this will be the death of me” kind of love. The one that leaves you “dumb”.
Can you say the same for someone who knows what they want. I mean they got a little taste of what it feels like to be consumed in your love and figured this isn’t really what they want. I’ve accepted that I’m not deserving of love that won’t give up on me but keep to keep trying and staying by my side to grow with me, through ups and downs. I haven’t witnessed such love yet.
Somehow somewhere deep in my stomach I think it’s me! I have a best friend, I have a sister and a few real friends, a lovely family and a dad who isn’t ready to sit and watch me make mistakes.
And of course I’m grateful! But why do I need an epic love? With flowers and handwritten letters, soulful musics from the 1980s, a lifetime I never witnessed but feels memorable.
Why is this hurt turning into an intentional guilty pleasure? Something I’m enjoying even when I see the writings on the wall, it’s so painful, yet sweet that I can’t help myself. It’s almost like when you’re in an “edge of the Cliff” situation it’s much easier to think about the future that feels almost real.
If the not so sweet reality barges in, would I actually know what I really want my future to be like? What exactly are my ambitions?
Do I know who I really want to be? Asides the version I’ve painted for myself to be in my head. Would love feed me? Would love make up for all the sweats I’m going to wipe off my head just to lead a comfortable life? Because it’s definitely not trusting the process, or hoping. I’m beginning to hate that word “hope”, I think I prefer faith.
“An assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”
Maybe this is why they always run off because they want to taste the tea of my plans and I’m not spilling, which makes them feel they’d be making a mistake with me. Or times when things aren’t really moving in your life and they want to get tabs on what’s been going on with you and you’ve got something to say but it’s not detailed enough so you just say “everything is good”.
Maybe I’ve been too carried away by what the world now declares is love. Maybe I’ve been too comfortable in my head to get it right! I’ve been too busy living in that perfect world in my head that I’ve become too oblivious to what the world really is now.
I’ve carried Jesus along trust me, I think the right thing to say is “I still carry him along”, because somehow, in fact most days I believe that’s the only reason I’m on on earth. Reason we are on earth. Not for any future but for “those he has called according to his purpose”, just living rightly by Gods word, then the preliminaries like make money, get married someday which is a choice, have children or not, and die someday because some don’t even love long enough to see their dreams come true or at least their children’s, a “must do”.
Is this all there is to life? Some days I’ve got no song that motivates me, or books, movies, pep talks from TikTok or Snapchat reels, nothing to push the energy, sometimes even the little streams of sunshine from the window is an annoying reminder to that staged feeling. No direction.
My dad prolly sees me as that daughter who is going to run off one day with a boy, abandoning school, and all his years of hard work sacrificing his happiness for me. He can be right sometimes, life isn’t always a bed of roses.
I don’t expect things to be easy when I’m not striving to make it that way. I feel like I’ve been too dependent on love from the opposite sex and now it seems it’s all life is about, yes! It’s about love too but not necessarily romantic relationships.
If we got carried away by the world we’ve taken emotions and heart to build in our heads, we’d lose track of time on what truly matters and every other person would have moved on to the next agenda on their to-do list.
Focus on everything not just one thing written in books, someone else’s fantasy, but focus on all reality of everything real and important. Yes I said that (feeling myself).
I believe why I wrote this is because I got tired of seeking clarity from the person I still yearn for, I wanted a “I’m always here for you, because recently I’ve been getting a “my heart isn’t with you anymore”.
But just don’t sulk over someone’s reduced energy towards you, there might be an explanation or there might be none. Just don’t prioritize love too much to not think about other things.
It’s been a while I wrote here on this space and it feels good to be back again. Look forward to the next publication of this subject and of course tell me what you think.
Love with all your heart, but carry your brain along!
Love.
Jessica.