Sometimes I think we take God for granted.

I am guilty as charged, in fact we all are!

What would you call this?

I’ve loved deeply in the loudest ways and in the quietest ways that whisper kindness, care and intentionality. Sometimes caught between glances, laughters and simple gestures.

You would feel it crawling up your back in my tight embrace. It’s there when I smile, it’s there when the pain of letting go becomes too strong.

Somewhere in my Bible said love is patient, that it’s kind and always protects, that it always trusts and hopes. That it perseveres.

And truly God has been patient with me. He has seen me falter countlessly and still hasn’t used thunder to roast me. He’s been kind, days it got tough and depression creeped in on me disguised as a copying mechanism.

He’s been protecting me from things I’ve seen and haven’t seen. Things I’ve been too carried away with. Things I’ve been oblivious to see or discern.

He’s always trusted me, but just imagine how much I’ve disappointed him.

I am a child of God.

Yet I’ve only read my Bible thrice this week. Sometimes some of us flip through the pages only when we are in church. Did I say church? That’s now a seasonal occurrence.

Days I feel so ashamed for not going the previous weeks, especially when it’s a friend’s post captioned “go to church kids” or “happy Sunday, Jesus loves you” or perhaps a Bible quote that probably goes… “serve the lord….”

(It’s not like they’re more righteous than me ooo). Permit me to back up my ranting with “at least I have shame”.

And funny enough I usually don’t lie to this people ooo. I would just be like “I watched from home” (which is true because I enjoy my space) “or I didn’t feel like” (I actually didn’t, or I planned my outfit but refused to listen to my alarm and just allowed the sleep have its way).

But who am I to judge the “Christ likes” and “Jesus babies”. I myself, I am a handful.

It’s funny ooo but it’s not funny.

This month my dad told us the whole household will be fasting for 100 days (don’t exclaim too much! I know. E shock me too, but don’t ask me about the church).

During the fasting, I realized I’ve only been starving myself. I wake up so late these days that when it’s 12 noon I wait till it’s immediately 3pm or at least 2:57 to break my fast.

Is that fasting? Eating food without praying, and communing with the Holy Spirit, without interceding for myself and my family.

Did I mention I wake up late? Yes without even praying when I open my eyes and my brain has started processing who I am (because sometimes our brains can be so slow in the mornings)

Very shameful! I know.

Like I said I am guilty.

I wasn’t like this last month or the month before that. In fact the beginning of this year was really lovely.

Where you wan hear say Jessica open eye finish, she no sabi how e take happen and she no thank God. Am I mad?

What do we call this one now?! Isn’t it see finish?

We’re beginning to see God finish.

Some of us now go a whole week without communicating, without the acknowledgment, sometimes unconsciously.

And when things start to go left, right and center, we start praying for God to fulfill his purpose in our lives.

It’s trash talk indeed. And truthfully there are no excuses ooo…not even from me.

It can’t be mid-life crisis, at nineteen? I don’t have children( which I’m still considering if I want to have any in the nearest future). I am still single so it can’t be my future husband. No one came to pluck flower from my father’s compound.

It can’t even be Chinedu somewhere in calabar that is still owing me 20k.

Why are we drifting away from our essence?

Maybe this is why I didn’t enjoy my birthday on the 14th. I was fully aware of what was missing. I knew where I was lacking but didn’t know how to go about it.

I’ve been so guilty of so much that it’s so hard to see that God has given me a fresh start. He’s given us a fresh start to fall in love with him and all that he is.

Over and over again.

He’s given us a new beginning to confess our love to him, the way I shamelessly did to Akpan.

To write him letters, to hold him tightly soulfully, to always listen attentively to his words. To his voice.

We’ve not treated him fairly. He deserves intentionality. He deserves respect. He deserves all the attention we give to men, to money, to wants and desires.

He deserves unwavering devotion and consistency. He deserves faithfulness. He deserves trust, because we’ve made him jealous enough. So it’s enough!

He deserves kindness too and warm smiles. He deserves tears that flow from too much butterflies bursting our insides because of how good and loving he is.

I know it’s not easy to serve God. To give him our 100% when life has decided to be life and unfair. We want to be ambitious, we want to be naughty, we want to experience love, we want to sip wine and relax at the beach.

We want to enjoy the rarest moments in life and forget our worries.

But let’s try. I’ll do my best.

To choose him above all things.

To leave all that nerdiness and trust him to lead us when it’s time to love somebody’s son.

Let him lead.

Let him calm all the noise in our heads, let him sharpen the rough edges. The parts of ourselves we are yet to understand.

Let’s lean on him for more wisdom.

Let’s keep seeking for him. Wanting and desiring him.

But how do we get rid of depression if we aren’t leaning on his word for strength. How do we know what is actually right or wrong if we aren’t leaning on his wisdom. How do we know who is a good friend if we don’t ask for his advice.

How do we know anything if we don’t ask him. If we don’t talk to him. If we don’t pray.

That’s why the world is breaking.

We are all guilty one way or the other. We’ve all lied almost professionally these days. We’ve all judged, not even with our mouths anymore. We’ve disrespected our elders and parents even tho their own can be too much Sha. A lot of atrocities we aren’t all proud of.

But he’s given us grace. He gives us a chance every single day of our lives.

He’s loved us more than anyone could.

He’s been there even in those cold nights we’ll be craving cuddles and backshots.

I’m not a saint. I’m happy I’m not. I am a Christian who believes in Jesus. In his death and resurrection. I’ve been baptized. All I lack is discipline.

That’s what most of us lack.

And I pray that he graces us with the strength to never get tired of loving him. Of believing and seeking him. We never get tired of thanking him, even days all we want to do is just ask.

May he grace us with perseverance.

May his love continue to abound in our hearts.

Let’s reduce the amount of see finish and disrespect.

More efforts and we’ll all make heaven hopefully.

Thank you for reading my love.