We kissed(pt 2)

I thought I would be enough.

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I’ve dreamed of a love, where I loved someone and they loved me back. They watered me, not in the same measure but even better.

A love where they poured wholeheartedly filling every hole loneliness, insecurities or past traumas may have caused. Same free fall, same magic, same intensity.

We weren’t anything, we weren’t friends. Not even a mistake. No labels (we weren’t ready for that yet) it was just fireworks.

Just a moment you can’t give fate the credit because she’s cruel. Never kind. And life so unpredictable.

I wasn’t living a life from the fairytales. But it was real, as real as it could be.

It was enough.

I was promoted at work and the financial benefits were a welcome bonus. I even published my debut novel. Life was good. A lot has been figured out.

And I had him. Tobi.

He was by my side through it all. Through every milestone. It is the little things that carry warmth that tingles your skin.

The way his eyes crinkled whenever he smiled. His laughs that didn’t last 10 seconds. The pancakes he made for breakfast, always slightly burnt. The light in his eyes when he hummed my favorite song.

His handwritten notes, small gift packages on my door step, good morning texts. How he listened actively to things I said.

It was enough but grief has no timeline. Some days it felt beautifully painful, knowing I had him but he wasn’t completely mine. His heart was for another. His heart yearned for another.

For a memory that lingered and felt more real than what we had.

Some days he was all in, or just distant. He didn’t want to move in with me. He said he wasn’t ready for such big change. I knew it was because her shadows still lingered.

Maybe I wasn’t much to him. Maybe the kiss meant nothing. We didn’t share the same vulnerability and I was there to ease his loneliness.

What was I even thinking? Falling in love with someone who was still grieving. Someone who didn’t love because I gave him sleepless nights. I was just a distraction from the thoughts of someone dead.

I was just something to hang onto. I couldn’t bear the loneliness I was feeling in his arms. It wasn’t about “if I perish, I perish”, it was about me. I was not truly happy.

At first it felt safe but it began to feel like I felt more safe drowning at the bottom of the ocean.

I let him go. He needed to take his time to heal from the bruises his loss had cost him. I needed a breath of fresh air. Confined in my room, on my bed pretending not to miss his scents on my sheets.

Someone said you know you’re healing when your relationships stop being built around choice. Not “I need you to fix me, but i choose to share this life with you”.

That’s the thing, I wasn’t trying to fix him. My love for Tobi wasn’t out of pity. My love for him ran deep. Deep into places I’ve never been able to reach, like a reality far-fetched.

All I wanted was for him to be present. To see the beauty of starting over, without a fear of forgetting what the past would have felt like. To really see me, parts of me that aren’t hers, depths of me that don’t feel like hers and still love me unwaveringly.

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Months passed, and he slowly healed. I knew I had to leave. I didn’t want to stick around to witness it so I traveled to Abuja to stay with my mum until I was ready to see him.

He kept sending letters that i wouldn’t reply. He would call and I wouldn’t pick. I wasn’t ready to admit to myself how much I missed him and his burnt pancakes.

“Nelly go back to lagos, your energy is draining mine Biko”

Even my mum could see through me. Weeks went by and I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to see him. At least to see when he turns off his light by 9pm.

The next morning I caught my flight and went back to Lagos.

His car was packed outside meaning he was home. I was tensed and excited at the same time.

I found it odd that my door wasn’t locked. As I tiptoed into the house, I saw rose petals all over the floor. Candles were lit up too. The whole house smelt of strawberries, roses, chocolate, his spicy scent and red wine.

I knew it wasn’t my girlfriends because I told them I wasn’t going to be around for a while.

It was Tobi.

I walked into my room and more rose petals on my bed and all over the floor. Over the bed frame headboard was black balloons in letters.

“will you…” I gasped before my eyes had already finished seeing the remaining words. I turned around and there he was. Looking fine as hell. Still sexy for a 40yr old man.

The waterworks had already started, and I am an ugly crier so I covered my face with my hands and balled out my eyes till I was sure it was really real.

I wiped my face and looked at him intently. I wanted to be with him. I wanted a label stapled on my forehead that I was his. I wanted his hammered to his head that he belonged utterly to me.

“Nelly I’m sorry for all I’ve put you through. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t enough. I really love you not because you make me feel less lonely but because I’ve realized you’re everything she wasn’t. Everything I’ll ever need. I want it to be you. Forgive me for all the hurt. I’m really sorry”

I had no words. I had nothing to say. I couldn’t say anything. Only three words and his name were at the tip of my tongue. I took a deep breath and blurted it out.

“I love you Tobi”

He laughed, his eyes doing that thing they did. My lips twitching hungrily. His fingers grazing mine softly as he slipped the beautiful ring onto my finger.

He looked at me in a way he’s never done before. His eyes flickered things I’ve always wanted to see. His touch wasn’t distant, it was near and intentional.

I couldn’t help myself anymore. I think he saw it too. I loosened myself from his arms and grabbed his face and kissed him. Oh I kissed him like the sun would lose its shine if I didn’t.

We kissed.

It was wild, it carried hunger. It spoke longing, healing, and a new page.

He tasted like chocolate this time, and I still tasted like lipgloss.

It was a spark we couldn’t explain but we were feeling. It wasn’t want. It was desire.

It was hunger wrapped in passion. It was everything intimate.

We took it to the bed. Our clothes flying about. My skin melting into his. Heat, sweat and pleasure.

I wrapped my legs around his waist for more. And he slammed his hips thrusting into me deeply because we both needed it.

After the sweat and gasps we both slept off. Wrapped in each other’s arms.

I was never going to replace her. But I will be the best thing to ever happen to him.

His peace.

If I perish, I perish.

~~~~~

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